surprise

so what started out as a weird craving for pork chops and milk, mind I was not eating pork or drinking milk at the time. I didn’t know why and figured that maybe it was just my body’s way of telling me it needed those vitamins but then I started thinking a little bit more and thought could I really be pregnant? I mean I have been told by my doctor that it was not possible that I would not have any more children. I almost wrote it off didn’t even care or think about it I was headed to the store I had a joint to smoke and I was on my way to go get, go figure beer. But some thing in my head kept nagging at the fact that I may could very well be pregnant so I decided to get a pregnancy test. And I’ll Be damned if that things turn positive in seconds. So I went and bought another one and that one was positive as well. I was shocked and I was scared and was wondering if it was possible is it true false positive I had all these emotions going through my mind and I don’t really remember much after that. I did good when I was pregnant I was able to not drink, with an exception of Thanksgiving I did have some red wine and honestly yes a little bit too much thing is how I was pregnant. The day that Jaycob came into the world, oh what a day I woke up with horrible pains and called my doctor to ask me to come in to do skin I was then told I had a cyst falling on my ovary and they wanted to do emergency C-section in the process of that they also found that my appendix was a ticking time bomb and they had to take that high my tubes and then perform the C-section after all was said and done I went home after a couple of days. I meant early and he was still my perfect little angel. Things were settling and pretty good I started getting really paranoid though about little things I started getting paranoid that he would stop breathing in his sleep or somebody was going to kidnap him like the strangest weirdest things that would probably never happen I thought was gonna happen. I was afraid to go into a vehicle with Him thinking the seatbelt would undo and he go flying out the door with an opening on the song like it was not good it was really bad and I spoke with my doctor they tried to put me on medication and it just made me worse I thought like the only thing that would work with me was the alcohol. they had given me anxiety meds, and then that combination just spiraled. however i was able to control it and manage it more times than none. and with thinking that, that was myself justifying the drinking. i had moved hours away from my family, i had a really good job, and we were doing so well on our own without any help. so it all just felt so natural. the anxiety and the paranoia only got worse, i think from having so many issues with our oldest son, i was terrified something would happen or go wrong. i could not enjoy my new baby becauae the anxiety and the paranoia were literally ruining my life. and i was so afraid to tell someone and then they take my babies. and all this time my husband just kept telling me i was okay. so i was in that mindet this works and it helps, alcohol it was. alcohol was going tp make me feel better and feel like i can be a mother and wife, it gives me the confidence i need and it takes away the fear and anxiety. i felt great and was starting to enjoy motherhood as a mom of 2, being home, it was great. And then literally it had seemed to of come put of no where, totally blind sided me. i was ashamed and ,embarrassed. like my life was about to take a nassssssty , deep, long, dark hole